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Post by Darth Fingon on Aug 19, 2009 21:49:07 GMT -6
While sitting on the biff reading National Geographic, I had a great idea for a crackfic. During any historical period, Elves in Europe (or Africa) attempt to sail to either China or the New World, but Valinor keeps getting in the way...
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Post by ignoblebard on Aug 19, 2009 22:15:41 GMT -6
That's funny!
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Post by nierielraina on Aug 19, 2009 23:46:04 GMT -6
While sitting on the biff reading National Geographic, I had a great idea for a crackfic. During any historical period, Elves in Europe (or Africa) attempt to sail to either China or the New World, but Valinor keeps getting in the way... ROTFLMAO!! That's hilarious! ;D Is this perhaps why we have no elf myths here in the New World??
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Post by aearwen on Aug 20, 2009 0:15:37 GMT -6
Wierd things happen when NiRi and I sit and yak on YIM. We were discussing this challenge, and the following just... kinda... happened...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Into The West by Aeärwen (with help from NiRi)
"Eru damn it! Isn't that Tol Eressëa again?"
"Yes, Captain."
"Didn't I tell you steer around that sucker?"
"Yes, Captain. But I think... it moved."
"Ridiculous. Islands don't move."
"Um... Sir?"
"What now?"
"Shouldn't we steer away from the rocks?"
"THERE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ANY ROCKS."
"Yes, Captain."
"Steer North by northwest, and let's just leave it behind us."
"Um... Captain?"
"What now?"
"Um.... It moved again. And there's more land behind it. I don't think north by northwest will do anything other than pile us up on the rocks."
"This just ain't fair."
"Maybe we should have stopped off in Valinor and talked to Manwë first?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Those silly Valar already have their allotment of Elves for this Making of the world. I'll be dipped if I'm going to..."
"Um... Captain?"
*Sigh* "What is it NOW?"
"We'd better turn east, sir."
"We're NEVER going to get to the West Indies at this rate."
"No sir. Maybe we should see if there are any to the East."
*a long pause*
"Um... sir? The crew won't want to sail to Mordor - or Umbar either. They say they do horrible things to Elves there."
"You see? That cuts it. We *gotta* find a way around this... this..."
"We could ask permission."
"NO! We can find a way around it. After all, we have all the time in the world, and the Valar are going to get tired of shifting that damned island one of these yenni."
"You hope, sir."
"What was that, sailor?"
"Nothing, sir! Just clearing my throat, sir."
"So. Make your course due south."
"Aye, Captain."
*a long pause*
"Um... sir?"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS!"
"Um... sir? Maybe if we asked directions?"
"Sailor, REAL elves don't NEED to ask directions."
"That's because REAL elves don't get to go west of Valinor."
"I HEARD THAT!"
"At least we can't get lost."
"I HEARD THAT TOO!"
"Um… Captain?"
"That's it! We're going back and living with Thranduil."
"Um... Captain? Círdan said he didn't want to see us again. How are we gonna get to..."
"Details, details! Just head this boat east!."
"Um... sir?"
"NOW what?"
"Um... The island's in front of us again..."
"That can't be. We're headed east."
"Um... Those rocks look awfully pointy, sir."
*Sigh* "Just my luck, stuck between a rock and a hard place."
FIN
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Post by robinka on Aug 20, 2009 3:04:00 GMT -6
We were discussing this challenge, and the following just... kinda... happened... LMFAO!Priceless ;D ;D ;D
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raksha
Pretty Good Sneech
Posts: 134
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Post by raksha on Aug 20, 2009 3:04:38 GMT -6
"Sailor, REAL elves don't NEED to ask directions."
Heeeeeeeeeeee! So true. I mean, can you see Feanor & sons asking for directions to Middle-earth?
Damned pesky island!
Very funny crackfic!
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Post by Clodia on Aug 20, 2009 5:24:52 GMT -6
Wonderful! Thank you!
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Post by jael on Aug 20, 2009 10:54:18 GMT -6
Curse you, Darth! You've thrown a monkey wrench into my idea about Thranduil sailing freely back and forth between Europe and the Americas. No wonder the Titanic sank -- that was no iceberg, it was Tol Eressea!
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sanna
Councillor
Eternal Bosom of Hot Love
Posts: 189
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Post by sanna on Dec 25, 2009 9:30:12 GMT -6
To continue on that thought, after centuries of letting Elves in and not back out again, one would think that someone would have their work cut out in trying to figure out what to do with all the ships.
So. I probably had too much wine at Christmas dinner.
***
”Sir? Um, sir?”
”What is it now?” The newly appointed Chair-Elf of the very recently formed Swan-Ship Relocating and Recycling Committee did not look up from his paperwork. “Can’t you see that I’m busy?”
“It’s just that we’ve had another convoy from Middle-earth. Only it’s bigger than what we expected. There’s no room for all the ships.”
“Oh crap.” He threw down his quill in exasperation and went to a window. “Oh, crap.”
The harbour was full of ships. Wild-eyed Elves were navigating rowboats the best they could to get to the ships with no hope of docking, angry passengers were screaming and precious cargo lost to the sea as it was unloaded to the rickety boats. Chaos reigned.
The Chair-Elf turned to his nervous clerk. “Any suggestions?”
“Um. Right now, sir?”
“No, next month would be ideal. Of course right now!”
The clerk scratched his head. “The only option is to get some of the empty ships out of the way, only the new ships are blocking the passage. The Harbour Master tried sending a message to the captains to take their ships back out to the sea for a while so that we could clear the way but they refused. They said that the sooner they get rid of the passengers the better, and that the portside brothels ought to be given a hurricane warning.” He frowned. “I’m not sure what they meant by that. Surely they can see that the sky is clear? Maybe the weather patterns over there differ from ours, I’ve heard that great many things are hugely different-” he trailed into silence under the Chair-Elf’s withering glare.
“That still doesn’t solve the long-term problem. What are we going to do with all the ships?”
“I thought that that’s why they hired you – Sorry.”
The Chair-Elf sighed and gave a half-hearted frown at a large map on the office wall. “If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times. The Valar ought to have thought this through when they issued the one-way only policy. I’d be one happy Elf if the Valinorean Nature Conservation Society would give in and let us build another harbour. Or better yet, the Valar would relent a bit so that the ships could be sent back. Huge waste of resources, them having to build a new ship every time someone wants to relocate here.”
He narrowed his eyes, turned, and walked back to the window, tapping his chin with his finger. “We could burn all the surplus ships,” he said, his voice hopeful. “It would at least knock some sense in the firewood dealers and make them consider their ridiculous prices. Everyone would benefit.”
It was a good thing that he only saw the third version of the expression on the clerk’s face.
“Yes. Right. Bad publicity, I guess.”
Outside a finely dressed lady was flailing and screeching in rage as she was bodily hauled out of the ship and lowered into the waiting boat. Her gown got caught in the tar on the side of the ship and tore. The Elves within an earshot cringed and grinned at her cursing.
“I’ve got it!”
The Chair-Elf’s shout made the clerk jump. “You’ve got what, sir?”
“An idea! I know what we’ll do with the ships.” He turned around, eyes bright. “Housing!”
“Housing, sir?”
“Precisely. We have plenty of ships. We have plenty of Elves. Or in other words, we have a plethora of empty space and lots of people without a home. Picture this,” he said spreading his arms and framing his vision with his hands, “fashionable and modern oceanside living, close to the nature and yet within a walking distance to the full services and amenities provided by our splendid and fair city.”
“The brothels, you mean?”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“But we still don’t have anywhere to put the ships, no matter how they are used.”
The Chair-Elf waved the argument away. “Surely the nature freaks can’t refuse the plea of homeless, poor people, torn from their homeland and in need of all the help we can give them.”
The clerk glanced out to the bay where a boat so full of varied glittery objects it was in danger of sinking was carefully manoeuvred to the docks.
“That is not the only problem, sir. There are all sorts of things to consider. Like the sewage, and - well, there's bound to be more.”
“Well, my friend,” the Chair-Elf threw his arm around the clerk’s shoulders and steered him towards the door, “I’m perfectly confident that you can address all these minor details in the presentation I want you to prepare.”
“The what?”
“The presentation, you silly Elf. You can hardly expect me to go in front of the City Council unprepared, can you? Have it on my desk tomorrow. With pictures.”
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Scarlet
Beta Fish
Merry be the Greenwood
Posts: 399
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Post by Scarlet on Dec 25, 2009 10:13:06 GMT -6
LOL, so bureaucracy is the same everywhere, ha? even in the blessed land? That was great, can't stop laugh
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Post by aearwen on Dec 25, 2009 18:28:20 GMT -6
A wonderful continuation of the thought! Nicely done!
*snort*
I can so see the expressions on their faces...
ETA: Gods, you'd think I didn't know how to spell today...
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Post by nierielraina on Dec 25, 2009 19:20:36 GMT -6
You should drink more often, Sanna! ;D This is delightful! I really enjoyed it.
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