Badslash Friday!

[ignoblebard]

Thanks Oshun. I would have mentioned it but I didn't think it was that great. Plus, Fingon only got a mention. ;D

I'll be happy to put it up on SWG if you think it's that good. But you're right, if it wins and my serious stories don't, I'll bitch. lol

[oshun]

A very special bad!fic written for ChaoticBinky's Annual Slash Awards--the best kind of awards possible: an entry is an automatic First Place. (This is super top secret also. So don't spash it around if you read it.)

It was a dark and stormy night. For some reason he could not fathom, Erestor simply had not been able to sleep. He woke up and walked around to the kitchens trying to find something warm to drink. Back in their bed his true love slept deeply, the sleep of the innocent, completely unaware of his wandering mate's fidgeting and angst-filled restlessness.

After drinking a cup of herbal tea, a combination of Applemint and Chamomile Blossom, he hated the taste of Chamomile alone, which did nothing to calm his nerves, Erestor stepped outside to take a short walk. Misty clouds drifted across the moon, shutting out its light and casting the surroundings into total, forbidding darkness. Despite the wind and a driving rain, he decided to return to his rooms the long way around. Shivering as he walked, he could hear shutters banging in the wind somewhere in the distance.

Suddenly, someone gripped his arm from behind, causing him to startle and release a squeak of fright. The unknown assailant whispered, with a seductive, warm breath wafting over his neck and sensitive ear tip and sending shivers down his spine, "Why, Erestor, whatever causes you to be up and wandering around on this inhospitable night?"

A sudden flash of lightning illuminated an ethereally beautiful face. Wide set light eyes, framed by impossibly long, dark eyelashes, lit up with an unmistakably predatory gleam.

"Lindir!" Erestor gulped, stunned and horrified.

"Were you looking for me again?" Lindir asked in an uncharacteristically self-assured tone.

"What do you mean was I looking for you? Of course, I wasn't looking for you!" Erestor stammered, in a voice very unlike his usual cocky self-confidence, revealing, however, his utter lack of conviction. "That last time, was only an accident. I told you then that this could never, never happen again."

"Ah, there are no coincidences, Erestor. Then why aren't you sleeping? Why aren't you cuddled up in your warm little bed with your one and only? I think you and I both know what you really want."

"Leave me alone. Please leave me alone. You're wrong. Completely, totally wrong."

Lindir looked up at him. His fair face, with its fragile, delicate, catlike features, was as close as close could be, and those so familiar, enchanting eyes widened so appealingly. Before Erestor could pull away, Lindir had captured him in an irresistible lip lock. The taste of his lips was as sweet as rose petal ice cream on a balmy summer day and their texture like that of the softest silk. When Lindir had finally released him, Erestor sighed tortuously knowing he had been defeated. Again.

"We can't keep doing this. I cannot hurt the one I love and I cannot bear to even think of what Gildor would do to you if he ever were to find out."

"Oh, darling, Erestor! Can you deny that what we should not have, what is forbidden to us, is often the most tempting?"

Lindir rubbed and writhed against him in the most infuriatingly erotic manner. Erestor could not even choke out a word, before Lindir had grabbed him by the rear and pressed himself up against him. The little Elf had a surprisingly large and already exceedingly stiff member.

"Oh, shit," said Erestor. "I am dead meat!"

"Do not even pretend like you do not want this. Come on, you filthy-minded, traitorous firebrand. It's much too cold and windy out here. I know a secret place where we will never be discovered."

Before Erestor could do a thing, he had been dragged with considerable force by the much smaller Elf to a tiny, out-of-way storage room. A bottle of sparkly wine and two glasses, the light of a flickering candle, and some little munchies arranged attractively on a cut-glass plate, all indicated that there was no possible way this encounter had been accidental. No more accidental than the last time, or the time before that, or the time before that one.

Lindir caught his leg behind Erestor's left knee and the proud Elf tumbled down onto his back without a remotest scrap of resistance. Bags of flour and rice actually made a rather comfortable mattress. He had noticed that before. Perhaps they should think of tucking some sheets and a light blanket under the bags of grain and whatnot in case they should ever find themselves here again, accidentally, of course.

The wily minstrel was determined to have his wicked way with him and Erestor was too overwhelmed by his guilty passion to resist. Poor Erestor bucked and gasped, wiggled and squirmed, and begged for more in high-pitched squeals and low grunts and growls, while Lindir mercilessly pounded into him.

"Oh, yes," Erestor pled. "Don't stop. Harder. Harder."

Blinded by the intensity of his climax, which almost made him faint, Erestor screamed, "Lindir! Lindir!"

Clapping his hand over Erestor's mouth, Lindir consoled him, dropping soft kisses all over his face and neck. "There, there, my sweet."

Finally, cuddling the admittedly adorable Elf in his arms, Erestor at last found his voice again. "But why, Lindir?" he asked in forlorn desperation and resignation. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I can?" Lindir chuckled evilly. "Because I just can't get it like this at home?"

[oshun]

Jun 2, 2008 21:16:34 GMT -6 ignoblebard said:

Thanks Oshun. I would have mentioned it but I didn't think it was that great. Plus, Fingon only got a mention. ;D

I'll be happy to put it up on SWG if you think it's that good. But you're right, if it wins and my serious stories don't, I'll bitch. lol

I laughed when I just read this again, posted months ago. Congratulations again on your First Place! (I called that one, didn't I?) Hey, the MEFAs are almost as good as Binky's guaranteed-in-advance First Place awards--submit a bad!fic win a First!

[elfscribe]

Dec 5, 2008 11:59:34 GMT -6 oshun said:

A very special bad!fic written for ChaoticBinky's Annual Slash Awards--the best kind of awards possible: an entry is an automatic First Place. (This is super top secret also. So don't spash it around if you read it.)

omg that was funny. I'm in tears here. You nailed all those cliches. Okay, what did I especially love:
The first sentence. The unaccountable restlessness of our clueless Erestor who has NO IDEA why he might be wandering in the night.
The specificity of the cup of herbal tea.
And LOL the misty clouds that suddenly shut off all light from the moon. The fact that someone (gee who could that be?) grabs his arm. The use of the word 'impossibly' in connection with any facial feature or body part (such a cliche).
That Erestor is "stunned and horrified" when clearly this has been happening rather regularly.
"Lindir asked in an uncharacteristically self-assured tone" Mwahaha! That another of my pet peeves, characters who suddenly go from being shy and self-effacing to sexual predators.
"irresistible lip lock"

"The taste of his lips was as sweet as rose petal ice cream on a balmy summer day and their texture like that of the softest silk."

"The little Elf had a surprisingly large and already exceedingly stiff member."
"Oh shit," quote Erestor, "I am dead meat." ;D

"Before Erestor could do a thing, he had been dragged with considerable force by the much smaller Elf"

Ah yes, methinks Erestor doth protesteth tooeth mucheth.

"all indicated that there was no possible way this encounter had been accidental. No more accidental than the last time, or the time before that, or the time before that one. "

"Perhaps they should think of tucking some sheets and a light blanket under the bags of grain and whatnot in case they should ever find themselves here again, accidentally, of course."

"Poor Erestor bucked and gasped, wiggled and squirmed, and begged for more in high-pitched squeals and low grunts and growls, while Lindir mercilessly pounded into him."

Erestor becomes most musical.

"Oh, yes," Erestor pled. "Don't stop. Harder. Harder."

I think I've used this dialogue before.

Blinded by the intensity of his climax, which almost made him faint, Erestor screamed, "Lindir! Lindir!"

Climaxes always nearly make one faint and why is it that people always scream their beloved's name at the height of them? I can tell you honestly that not once have I ever yelled out the name of my partner when in the throes of passion. (Unless of course he was accidently pinching a nerve.)

Clapping his hand over Erestor's mouth, Lindir consoled him, dropping soft kisses all over his face and neck. "There, there, my sweet."

Yes, those kisses are always dropped.

Finally, cuddling the admittedly adorable Elf in his arms, Erestor at last found his voice again. "But why, Lindir?" he asked in forlorn desperation and resignation. "Why are you doing this to me?"

Oh yes, why Lindir do you so callously force me to abandon my wedding vows and couple on a bunch of fea-ridden grain bags?

Oh Oshun, that was perfect! Thank you for a good laugh to start a head-ache ridden day.

[oshun]

I'm glad you got a chuckle.

I think I've used this dialogue before.

I told Binky when I sent it that it sounded strangely, inexplicably like self-parody. I know I have used considerably more than one of these in some form or another. Why is it so easy to imitate this stuff in a ridiculous way and so hard to avoid it?

[ignoblebard]

Ever hear of a thing being so bad it's good. That's this fic all over. It's hilarious!

I love all the conventions you parody here but I think this is my favorite line: "Oh, shit," said Erestor. I am dead meat."

That pretty much sums up Erestor in all of these fics.

Oh, and nice bit with the grain sacks. Elves spend so much time having sex on or with their food it's no wonder they're all slender.

You should nom this for the MEFA's next year. Give me a run for my money.

[oshun]

I really did have fun. I honestly did take all my own writing flaws and use them. Went much faster than trying to imitate someone else's badfics.

I don't know if it should see the light of day. On the MEFAs--not sure it is bad enough in the right kind of way. You kind of have to know the enormous, profound backstory on this one. It's a story of love, betrayal, cheating on your spouse, and acute anguish. Not just a silly romp like yours was.

[pandemonium]

This is a hootworthy fic. Most hootworthy. The saying goes that the devil is in the details. Here, it's the humor that is in the details, e.g.,


cup of herbal tea, a combination of Applemint and Chamomile Blossom

Of course. Applemint.

causing him to startle and release a squeak of fright

An Erestor squeak. I'm trying to imagine this.

.The taste of his lips was as sweet as rose petal ice cream on a balmy summer day




"Oh, shit," said Erestor. "I am dead meat!"

That made me snort!

A bottle of sparkly wine and two glasses, the light of a flickering candle, and some little munchies arranged attractively on a cut-glass plate, all indicated that there was no possible way this encounter had been accidental. No more accidental than the last time, or the time before that, or the time before that one.

All carefully arranged by the bags of flour and rice. Nothing like sex on foodstuffs, all covered by sheets and blankets. Of course.


Poor Erestor bucked and gasped, wiggled and squirmed, and begged for more in high-pitched squeals and low grunts and growls, while Lindir mercilessly pounded into him.

More squealing! YES! And a bunch of other fascinating noises and actions. Any elf-sex rodeo.

"Oh, yes," Erestor pled. "Don't stop. Harder. Harder."

With regard to this popping up, as it were, in dialog, well, don't people actually say stuff like this in the act? I mean, instead of holding forth on Kant or dialectical materialism?

"Because I can?" Lindir chuckled evilly. "Because I just can't get it like this at home?"

Poor cuckolded Gildor!

Very funny, oshun. This deserves a first place!

[oshun]

Thanks for reading. Poor IgnobleBard he complains every year that he gets a First for what he conceives of as badfic! (Of course, his aren't, but actual humor.)

I personally liked the detail of the cut-glass plate. (I was almost typed Waterford crystal, which is what I was handling last week for Thanksgiving from Laura's wedding presents collection, but then I decided that was an anachronism. Imagine the horror at GofI over a slip like that! Discretion is important in badfics also.)

[pandemonium]

Dec 6, 2008 12:50:02 GMT -6 oshun said:

Thanks for reading. Poor IgnobleBard he complains every year that he gets a First for what he conceives of as badfic! (Of course, his aren't, but actual humor.)

I personally liked the detail of the cut-glass plate. (I was almost typed Waterford crystal, which is what I was handling last week for Thanksgiving from Laura's wedding presents collection, but then I decided that was an anachronism. Imagine the horror at GofI over a slip like that! Discretion is important in badfics also.)

Oh, yes, the cut-glass glass with munchies is an excellent touch. You know, you could have gone for broke and used Waterford to add to the horror of bags of rice. I mean, Asiatic rice wasn't introduced to Europe until the tenth century, you know. They could not have had rice in Rivendell. Could NOT!

[oshun]

Dec 6, 2008 13:02:12 GMT -6 pandemonium said:

Dec 6, 2008 12:50:02 GMT -6 oshun said:

Thanks for reading. Poor IgnobleBard he complains every year that he gets a First for what he conceives of as badfic! (Of course, his aren't, but actual humor.)

I personally liked the detail of the cut-glass plate. (I was almost typed Waterford crystal, which is what I was handling last week for Thanksgiving from Laura's wedding presents collection, but then I decided that was an anachronism. Imagine the horror at GofI over a slip like that! Discretion is important in badfics also.)

Oh, yes, the cut-glass glass with munchies is an excellent touch. You know, you could have gone for broke and used Waterford to add to the horror of bags of rice. I mean, Asiatic rice wasn't introduced to Europe until the tenth century, you know. They could not have had rice in Rivendell. Could NOT!

OMG! That's worse than cheese in Beleriand by anybody's standards.

[pandemonium]

Dec 6, 2008 13:07:31 GMT -6 oshun said:

Dec 6, 2008 13:02:12 GMT -6 pandemonium said:

Oh, yes, the cut-glass glass with munchies is an excellent touch. You know, you could have gone for broke and used Waterford to add to the horror of bags of rice. I mean, Asiatic rice wasn't introduced to Europe until the tenth century, you know. They could not have had rice in Rivendell. Could NOT!

OMG! That's worse than cheese in Beleriand by anybody's standards.

We are being really bad. I feel guilty for egging you on. Wait. Eggs. Chickens. Beleriand. Now why does that ring a bell?

I'd better get my dark side under control.